*WARNING: FEMINIST RANT TO FOLLOW*
Have I recently mentioned our friends from the states were visiting? Yes, I think I may have mentioned this already, like in every other sentence I’ve written lately like here and here and here. Well, they have visited and since left, and brought along with them months worth of gossip zines like Us Weekly and People. I read them all at once. Instead of slowing sipping in the celebrity gossip, I slurp deeply and rapidly, as I do with a frozen margarita, and then I get the equivalent of an ice cream headache and need to hold my temples and squeeze the arm of whoever’s sitting nearest me until the thumping pain of the cold drink subsides. I overindulged and read all the People and Us Weekly magazines at once, and then any of the remaining brains cells I’d managed to retain since my last episode of childbirth, drained out of the orifices of my head. For the next several weeks, I will then talk in simple sentences and cannot incorporate words bigger than “emancipation” or “cosmically” into my daily vocabulary.
Anyway, even when I’m totally sucked into one of those reading binges and have little awareness for anything, or one else around me, other then where Brad and Ang will adopt next, I’m still jarred by one of the regular sections in Us Weekly magazine called “Who Wore it Best”. In the past, I usually just skipped over the column. That was until my impressionable young preteen daughter started flipping through my picked over Us Weekly magazines and asked me, “Mama, who do you think wore it best?”, and I’m thinking well the skinny bitch of course. Did that sound offensive? Well, of course it did! 2009 ladies – jeesh – and they’re pitting two women together in identical dresses and asking who fills the thing out best! And the consistent winner of these polls? Oh yeah, that’s right, the gal with the biggest boobies and lipoed thighs. So here’s what I think they should start calling this column:
“Who has the Bigger Tittys and the Thinnest Thighs?”
We’re all grown-ups, we can handle it. But do you think it’s MORE offensive than the actual content of the column itself? Too harsh? Not marketable enough? How bout “Who Has the Biggest Boobies and Longest Legs?” My three year old refers to her nipples as her “boobies” so I think that title would be safe enough.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’ve got all this feminist crap my mom tried instilling in me. Maybe I just need to relax. Maybe it’s all in good fun and someone needs to knock some sense into me, or maybe the pregnancy mag like Fit Pregnancy could a run similar column. They could call it: “Who Wore Their Bump Best?” Because what pregnant women, and all women, really need is another voice telling them they’re probably too fat.
Remember, you were warned.
