November 2011

1. Sit naked on the bench and read your bank statement.

2. Sit naked on the bench and clip your toenails.

3. Sit naked on the bench.

4. Mix your protein shake in the bathroom sink while someone is pooping. And then stand there and drink it.

5. Walk barefoot into the bathroom stall.

6. Drink your protein shake in the bathroom stall.

7. Sing in the shower.

8. Shower with the curtain open. Yes, we see you’re a thorough cleaner. We get it. Now stop making our eyes bleed.

9. Talk to me about the weather. While your naked. And then tell me you like this piece of crap climate they call Wisconsin.

10. While a towel is wrapped around your chest, slip your bra on and hook it under your armpits. Then, the moment you drop the towel, slip your bra over your boobs. You’re not Houdini so stop it. Also, no one is looking at your boobs, unless you’re reading your bank statement topless. Then I’m looking at your boobs and rolling my eyes.

So last night, Lexi asked if we could adopt a second cat which is ironic given yesterday's post about our living-room killing fields. The timing of her question has me feeling conflicted because: 1] Anyone who read yesterday's post knows I'm not thrilled at the prospect of living with another animal and 2] I'm glad to know she isn't reading my blog.

Then there's this video. Because you guys haven't already gotten your fill of puss... I mean cats here this week, I've decided to throw in a talking cat video. [You thought I was going to use the 'P' word didn't you? Hey listen, I said I was glad to know my kid isn't reading my blog, not that she won't be reading my blog. Got to keep it clean for the kids. At least the reading ones.]

Postscript: For the foreseeable future I'm going to go light on the cat postings. Consider it something you can put in your 'Things I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving.' [That alliteration is for you Moomser.] However, if you still haven't had your fill of all things cat then you should go read Alex's post 10 Ways Cats Prepare Us For Parenthood. The first picture alone is worth the click over there.

In the past few days, the temps have dipped and dived along with any hope that we’ll see another warm day before July. And, like always, the stores respond to the colder weather by cranking up the heat to the temperature Hell. I'm warning you: If you live in a warm climate and are planning a trip North for the holidays, be sure to pack clothes designed to wick away moisture. And if you're planning to shop while you're here, consider midriffs.

Take me for example; I probably lost three pounds of water weight while doing errands this morning. I forgot to heed my own warning so when getting dressed , I thoughtlessly pulled on a flimsy, capped-sleeved t-shirt and a heavy, cable-knit sweater. Then I topped it off with a down jacket. And then I left for a morning filled with shopping and perspiring.

After spending a few minutes in the first store on my errand list, I thought I’d gone through menopause. My body was overheating so I took off my winter coat, but I was still too warm so I shrugged off my sweater. STILL I was soooo hot, however, I stopped stripping down at my flimsy, capped-sleeved t-shirt. Where are my modesty points?

[For the second half of this winter clothing parable, I should mention I have a large, blue tattoo of a fish that runs from the crook of my elbow up to my armpit. And when I wear a flimsy, capped-sleeved t-shirt, everyone and a Russian satellite can see my tattoo]

Scene: Checking out at the first store's register.

Young Cashier: Looks like your tattoo needs some work. Maybe some filling in or something.

Old Me: Huh? Oh yeah. [Stupid winter, stupid heat, stupid tattoo.]

Young Cashier: So. Yeah.

Old Me: Actually...[Why don’t I just shut-up already?] I already had one laser treatment to lighten it up. [Now please give me my change so I can go and lay my t-shirted self on the cold, parking-lot asphalt until the hypothermia sets in and I drift into unconsciousness.]

Young Cashier: Did it hurt?

Old Me: What hurt, getting my tattoo? Maybe...it was a long time ago. I really don’t remember.

Young Cashier: You don’t remember?

No, I didn't remember, so I told her so. I also told her that since getting my tattoo, I’ve gone through three painful childbirths so, no, I really didn't remember.

And yes, I went there because that conversation hadn’t already been awkward enough.

I have to make a left-hand turn when I leave the Starbucks nearby our house. It's a really dicey intersection and there are times when the traffic is so dense and fast and my adrenaline spikes...well, lets just say, I know how these guys feel! [40 second video]

Thanks for the video, Jennifer!