Parenthood

Now that Lexi and Whitney are in school, Heidi and I get to spend a few hours of alone time together in the mornings. People had warned me Heidi might feel lonely without her sisters during the day, however, Heidi’s copped more of a don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-in-the-ass sort of morning attitude. Here she is moments after the school bus picked-up her sisters. ...Continue Reading »

We were all up earlier than...well, you'd just hate me if I told you the last time we were up early enough to watch the 'Wake-Up' news. What can I say? Our kids don't wake-up before 8 a.m. And I realize mentioning this is a little like skinny people complaining that they can't keep the weight on and don't workout, and they eat whatever it is their little hearts desire. So yes, my kids are good sleepers. However, I can't consumer dubious quantities of bacon-peanut butter-cheese sandwiches dipped in thousand island dressing. Not that I'd want to; I'm just saying that if you're one of those people who are burdened with drinking chocolate milk shakes, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your lips closed around your straws and leave me to binge on my carrot sticks in peace!
...Continue Reading »

In two days Whitney and Lexi will start school leaving Heidi and me alone together. I know she’ll miss her sisters when they're at school, so I plan on snuggling and loving her up until she rolls her eyes and is all.Ugh, mom enough, and no, don’t ask me if I want to start breastfeeding again. ...Continue Reading »

Many years ago, I was helping my dad clean out some portion of his hoarding house when he picked-up a black trash bag and began carefully placing crystal goblets into the bottom of the bag. And I may, or may not, have said, “You shouldn’t have nice things.” O.K. this was a very true disrespectful thing to say, and I probably deserved a time out. I wish I hadn’t said that to my dad. I wish I had just covered my eyes and thought of my happy place, which at that moment would have been a professionally organized walk-in closet complete with sparkly lighting, floor to ceiling mirrors and a dry bar.

I grew-up with this kind of bedlam so you’d think I’d be better prepared for the task of parenthood. Although, you could also draw the conclusion that slamming your hand in the side door of a minivan would better prepare one for a tax audit. For me, I’d take the pain of a crushed limb over an audit any day.

So yesterday while I was trying to put my life in order...doing laundry, organizing drawers...I heard screaming coming from the dining room. It was Ben screaming, and from the sound of it, I thought someone was shattering his knees with a baseball bat and threatening to take him shopping at T.J. Maxx. But it was worse. Someone had dumped water all over his MacBook. [It’s currently resting in stable condition, however it’s long term prognosis is still unknown.]

Now who could have saturated a perfectly good laptop? Oh, I don’t know, the child holding an empty spray bottle and a wet baby doll wrapped in a towel? The same child who’d earlier that day scribbled all over the ‘New Student Packet’ the school wants us to fill out, and return, on the first day of school. I think it’s safe to say, this is all the information the school needs to know about our family.

This is what kids do; they break your shit. It’s their big thank you for all the vomit you’ve scraped off their sheets and car seats you’ve installed in ninety-degree weather while mosquitoes fly up your skirt and the neighbor's dog pees on you ankles. And I get that. However, this life of theirs is not a rental car, and I will be billing them when Ben and I need to put down a cash deposit on the old folks home. For that purpose, a list. ...Continue Reading »