Seriously?

Have I ever told you the story about the time I hid in Ben’s roommate’s closet for two hours white knuckling a baseball bat? Anyone [pause], anyone remember...no? Because I’d hate to repeat myself and risk sounding like a nagger. A repeater is like a nagger, and no one likes a nagger, however, sometimes a nagger must repeatedly remind a certain somebody to buy lemons on his way home because the last time a certain somebody wasn’t nagged at, the nagger had to eat her hummus without a squeeze of lemon. The only thing worse than a nagger is a grumpy nagger who’s forced to eat Middle Eastern food without a squirt of citrus.

Maybe that’s the real crux of the Middle East conflict, lack of citrus on their falafels, because boy, a plate of baba ghanoush without a lemon wedge can make me cross. There. Problem solved. Hillary Clinton, you’re welcome.

Annnnyway, hiding for my life in the closet. ...Continue Reading »

Several weeks ago, Ben and I attended a conference for web developers, even though I’m not a web developer myself. I'm a web designer, yes, but not a developer. They may sound similar but they’re not, and confusing those two roles would be like asking the hospital janitor [the one mopping your insides off the birthing room floor] whether, or not, your newborn is taking enough areola into her mouth when she latches on. Wrong man for the job, and trust me here people, that was one awkward conversation! ...Continue Reading »

Yesterday’s wildlife sighting tally: three deer, four wild turkeys and two, TWO owls! I grew up in these here parts, and I never remember seeing more than a field of cows back in my day. Of course those cows are long gone. Their grazing pastures replaced with partially completed subdivisions [fuck yeah, real estate market!], and I presume those cows have moved on to other meals...like my girls’ McDonald’s Happy Meals.

Oh grow up. ...Continue Reading »

We’re not a big board game kind of family and that’s probably because I find rolling dice, and counting spaces on a game board, to be as stimulating as tire shopping. But the girls enjoy playing so on the rarest of occasions I’ll agree to play, briefly. On my first turn, I’ll roll the dice and start counting off the number of spaces the dice told me to move.

For instance, lets say I roll a seven. I start...one space, two spaces, three spaces...OH-GOD-YOU-WIN-I-CAN’T-TAKE-THIS! Girls, wouldn’t you rather play with something else like, I don’t know, fire? ...Continue Reading »