Winter

In the past few days, the temps have dipped and dived along with any hope that we’ll see another warm day before July. And, like always, the stores respond to the colder weather by cranking up the heat to the temperature Hell. I'm warning you: If you live in a warm climate and are planning a trip North for the holidays, be sure to pack clothes designed to wick away moisture. And if you're planning to shop while you're here, consider midriffs.

Take me for example; I probably lost three pounds of water weight while doing errands this morning. I forgot to heed my own warning so when getting dressed , I thoughtlessly pulled on a flimsy, capped-sleeved t-shirt and a heavy, cable-knit sweater. Then I topped it off with a down jacket. And then I left for a morning filled with shopping and perspiring.

After spending a few minutes in the first store on my errand list, I thought I’d gone through menopause. My body was overheating so I took off my winter coat, but I was still too warm so I shrugged off my sweater. STILL I was soooo hot, however, I stopped stripping down at my flimsy, capped-sleeved t-shirt. Where are my modesty points?

[For the second half of this winter clothing parable, I should mention I have a large, blue tattoo of a fish that runs from the crook of my elbow up to my armpit. And when I wear a flimsy, capped-sleeved t-shirt, everyone and a Russian satellite can see my tattoo]

Scene: Checking out at the first store's register.

Young Cashier: Looks like your tattoo needs some work. Maybe some filling in or something.

Old Me: Huh? Oh yeah. [Stupid winter, stupid heat, stupid tattoo.]

Young Cashier: So. Yeah.

Old Me: Actually...[Why don’t I just shut-up already?] I already had one laser treatment to lighten it up. [Now please give me my change so I can go and lay my t-shirted self on the cold, parking-lot asphalt until the hypothermia sets in and I drift into unconsciousness.]

Young Cashier: Did it hurt?

Old Me: What hurt, getting my tattoo? Maybe...it was a long time ago. I really don’t remember.

Young Cashier: You don’t remember?

No, I didn't remember, so I told her so. I also told her that since getting my tattoo, I’ve gone through three painful childbirths so, no, I really didn't remember.

And yes, I went there because that conversation hadn’t already been awkward enough.

Last week, it was above freezing and the sun was out. Yes, OUT! As in, the sun shines so rarely during these months, I suspect Mother Nature suffers from OCD and is worried that the sun could actually wear itself out and then what? Yes, WHAT?

It’s like when we were kids and we’d rapidly flip the wall switches on and off. On and off, and on and off until one of our parents would see the flickering lights, come bounding into the room, clutch their chests and lose all the color from their faces because WHAT WERE WE TRYING TO DO...BREAK THE HOUSE? Now that I’m a parent, I wonder if there’s any documented science behind that fear. Is it really possible for a six year old to wear out a wall switch? We’re talking about six year olds here. The ones whose attention spans won’t allow them to wipe all the food off their faces. Is there really a risk that these same six year olds can stand in one spot long enough to complete the task of destroying part of an electrical system? ...Continue Reading »

It’s usually around this time of year when I consider packaging up my mind and shipping it off to some kind of servicing center where they can 'make it right again,' and I know I'm not alone. I'm sure a lot of you feel like you've been dangled by your ankles over a snow bank since the holidays. Then, just when you realized you weren't wearing any pants, life let go and dropped you head first into a pile of slush.

Hey, that doesn't make dragging a twenty-pound toboggan up a sledding hill sound so bad, as far as winter activities go!

It's not that I'm 'losing my mind' so much as I've damaged it with months of Chutes-and-Ladders and that "wouaaa wouaaa wu wu wouaaaaaaaaaa" sound my kids make. Do you know what I mean? Not sure? Well then, ask yourself this: ...Continue Reading »

The last seventy-two hours have been brutally cold here in Wisconsin; I'm talking about the kind of cold that makes your skin feel like one big rug burn. Every time I step out the door, it feels like I’m sliding down a carpeted flight of stairs on my face. So a couple of nights ago, we thought, ‘Hey, you know what would be more fun than clipping our fingernails too short? Going out into the biting-cold night and buying a Christmas tree...that’s what!’ ...Continue Reading »