Sooooo, yesterday I opened my big mouth and told you I’d be posting before and after bikini photos of myself today. Then I pressed ‘publish,’ had a small aneurysm, and fell under my desk. Anyway, you’ve probably checked out the photos by now so let me get right to the point before my in-laws call and beg me to drop my married name from this blog.
This all started last week when I saw Kate Gosselin’s People cover at the grocery store. There I was, pushing my groceries past the magazine rack and mentally punishing myself for forgetting the reusable bags, again, when her boobs leapt off the cover and forced me to motorboat them. Why, Kate has a new set of twins!
Standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle, coupons in hand, gawking at Kate’s tiny waist, whiney child scaling the side of the cart, I knew this moment could only improve if I were to slam my forehead down onto the cart handle. I just stood there squinting my eyes, my upper lip pulled up and back exposing my unkept teeth, staring in disbelief at that cover. Think Al Gore’s face when they told him about the ‘chads.’
Wow. I want to look like that. I bet Kate wants to look like that too. And even though Kate may look closer to that female ‘ideal’ than I, I think we both know a little Photoshopping can be a girl’s best friend. So, I give to you...before and after photos of my new body courtesy of Photoshop.
click on below image for larger view
- Da butt: I contoured and slimmed my tushy and smoothed out my thigh skin.
- The gut: It’s like I never had three babies!
- Back fat: Now removed. That was easier than I thought!
- My upper arm: I slimmed my arm too. I also removed my tattoo. My dad would love to see my arm without the tattoo, however, he’d probably want to scoop his eyes out with spoons if he ever saw this photo.
- BOOBS! Yeah, I got em! [Pro-tip here: My boobs aren’t as perky as the ‘before’ photo in real life. I KID YOU NOT. Just to get them north of my bikini-top band, I taped them up with packaging tape. Ouch.]
- The face: I slimmed my cheeks, and jaw line, and got rid of my neck rolls.
- Hair: I smoothed and lightened my hair.
- Skin: I lightened, contoured and smoothed my skin where it was “needed.” [Check out my younger hand on my hip.]
- Also, teeth whitening. Just another reason to save my Xanax and skip the dentist.
Folks, the personal pressure I’m under to have cosmetic procedures, and things added and ripped from my body is unreal! I’m turning thirty-seven next month and while I’d hoped the end of this decade would bring me a little peace and quiet from all the ...Am I perfect enough?...it only seems to be ramping up.
My friends are getting Botoxed, boob jobs, their public hair lasered off and their vagina’s vajazzeled. It’s all so normal and everyday now. But seriously, vajazzeling? Ladies?!?! I mean if I had the time to get rhinestones hot glued to my hoo-ha, I’d probably read a book, or take a nap. And my God, having the hair ripped off your vajay-jay? I know, I know the beach, the boat, it’s a hassle to shave your bush everyday. Still, tearing pubic hair from its roots for “convenience” purposes seems a lot like slicing off the tips of my toes because it’s just easier to find size six shoes on the sale rack rather than the six-and-a-half sized boats I clomp around in.
I don’t know. Maybe I should just succumb to it all. I could always add a beauty category to the blog. My first post entry would be: This is how I clip my toe nails.