Sooooo, yesterday I opened my big mouth and told you I’d be posting before and after bikini photos of myself today. Then I pressed ‘publish,’ had a small aneurysm, and fell under my desk. Anyway, you’ve probably checked out the photos by now so let me get right to the point before my in-laws call and beg me to drop my married name from this blog.
This all started last week when I saw Kate Gosselin’s People cover at the grocery store. There I was, pushing my groceries past the magazine rack and mentally punishing myself for forgetting the reusable bags, again, when her boobs leapt off the cover and forced me to motorboat them. Why, Kate has a new set of twins!
Standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle, coupons in hand, gawking at Kate’s tiny waist, whiney child scaling the side of the cart, I knew this moment could only improve if I were to slam my forehead down onto the cart handle. I just stood there squinting my eyes, my upper lip pulled up and back exposing my unkept teeth, staring in disbelief at that cover. Think Al Gore’s face when they told him about the ‘chads.’
Wow. I want to look like that. I bet Kate wants to look like that too. And even though Kate may look closer to that female ‘ideal’ than I, I think we both know a little Photoshopping can be a girl’s best friend. So, I give to you...before and after photos of my new body courtesy of Photoshop.
click on below image for larger view
![* Da butt: I contoured and slimmed my tushy and smoothed out my thigh skin. * The gut: It’s like I never had three babies! * Back fat: Now removed. * My upper arm: I slimmed my arm too. I also removed my tattoo. * BOOBS! Yeah, I got em! * The face: I slimmed my cheeks, and jaw line, and got rid of my neck rolls. * Hair: I smoothed and lightened my hair. * Skin: I lightened, contoured and smoothed my skin where it was “needed.” [Check out my younger hand on my hip.] * Also, teeth whitening.](/nuevo/sites/default/files/bikinidouble_0.jpg "click on image for larger view")
- Da butt: I contoured and slimmed my tushy and smoothed out my thigh skin.
- The gut: It’s like I never had three babies!
- Back fat: Now removed. That was easier than I thought!
- My upper arm: I slimmed my arm too. I also removed my tattoo. My dad would love to see my arm without the tattoo, however, he’d probably want to scoop his eyes out with spoons if he ever saw this photo.
- BOOBS! Yeah, I got em! [Pro-tip here: My boobs aren’t as perky as the ‘before’ photo in real life. I KID YOU NOT. Just to get them north of my bikini-top band, I taped them up with packaging tape. Ouch.]
- The face: I slimmed my cheeks, and jaw line, and got rid of my neck rolls.
- Hair: I smoothed and lightened my hair.
- Skin: I lightened, contoured and smoothed my skin where it was “needed.” [Check out my younger hand on my hip.]
- Also, teeth whitening. Just another reason to save my Xanax and skip the dentist.
Folks, the personal pressure I’m under to have cosmetic procedures, and things added and ripped from my body is unreal! I’m turning thirty-seven next month and while I’d hoped the end of this decade would bring me a little peace and quiet from all the ...Am I perfect enough?...it only seems to be ramping up.
My friends are getting Botoxed, boob jobs, their public hair lasered off and their vagina’s vajazzeled. It’s all so normal and everyday now. But seriously, vajazzeling? Ladies?!?! I mean if I had the time to get rhinestones hot glued to my hoo-ha, I’d probably read a book, or take a nap. And my God, having the hair ripped off your vajay-jay? I know, I know the beach, the boat, it’s a hassle to shave your bush everyday. Still, tearing pubic hair from its roots for “convenience” purposes seems a lot like slicing off the tips of my toes because it’s just easier to find size six shoes on the sale rack rather than the six-and-a-half sized boats I clomp around in.
I don’t know. Maybe I should just succumb to it all. I could always add a beauty category to the blog. My first post entry would be: This is how I clip my toe nails.
Comments
Um wow, How the hell did you do all that? I use Paint Shop Pro so I'm sure it's not close to possible to do that with my program, but I damn sure wish!!
I would love for you to guest blog for me 1 of these times. I love how you write!
Wow, wow, wow. I don't have the skillz to do that, but I'm so glad you did! I just shared this on FB for all following the anorexia conversation today.
Love it Love it Love it more than chocolate volcano cake at Applebees.
Email me if are you interested in doing a guest post. At the very least you need to show me how in the hell you did that.
<3
Can I send you all my photos to you for the Bueno treatment? We should all look so fabulous!
First of all, I am pretty sure an au natural hoo-ha is on its way back. I've always thought the landing strips were weird and if a guy likes you shaved completely that just seems super creepy to me. All the vajayjay grooming makes me glad I am no longer dating. Don't get me wrong, I do a little upkeep but I'm not interested in carving my pubes into a heart or some such nonsense.
Also- Size six and a half boats?? I think not. Try on a size nine and see what it does to shoe detailing placement and then we'll talk.
Wow you're good! That's crazy what a bit of photoshop can do! Don't these people feel insulted and like liars when they allow these retouched photos of themselves to be published!?
You know what you should do now? Photoshop yourself to go the other direction. More back-fat, add some wrinkles, smaller boobs, saggier butt, etc. Then look back at your original "before photo" and feel good about how awesome you actually look in real life :)
If you haven't already seen this Dove commercial, you should watch it. Left me spellbound and fearful for my very small daughters... LOVE your courage in posting those pics by the way. Very Admirable! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
I love the proof that photoshop can make a nice-looking but normal person look like a mag cover. People don't get that. (Also tempts me to ask if I can have you do that to all my pics, which totally misses the point, I know, but still, that relationship is complicated, isn't it, and takes time to improve!)
and yes, it is pretty amazing the amount of maintenance that has become "normal" and expected has ramped up incredibly over the last decade or so. mani/pedis, hair removal EVERYWHERE, japanese hair straightening, hair colour for all, botox and fillers and $1000 creams and with all that available, why isn't everyone perfect? Why aren't *I* perfect? Well, it's a lot of money better spent elsewhere, a lot of time also better spent elsewhere (books? naps? Yes, please!), and a lot of focus on me, me, me, isn't it? Good thing I got married before all this became expected since I'd never keep up with the hotness quotient now that everyone looks like a 21-year-old porn star.
On behalf of our three girls....thanks for doing this, Mere.
I know I am not supposed to be using this as a tip, but I am TOTALLY looking for packaging tape right now... Very crafty!
I love how slim Kate's legs are in that picture. It is a poorly done photo shop pic because they are TOO thin to be real. I can't imagine the pressure they must feel to measure up to the altered photos...
You are an AWESOME woman. And? Quite beautiful!
Great post! I agree that there is more and more pressure to be "perfect" by whatever means possible. I am desperately trying to ignore that pressure! You post reminded me yet again that seeing is not always believing!
hey chicka!
first, nice job on the retouching. effective but not overly heavy-handed.
second, you're a total milf. before and after.
ken
When you said yesterday that you were going to do this, I said that you were brave. I would NEVER to this. But you look great as is! You don't need no stinking photoshopping! :)
I agree, you look great, I wish I could :(
MAD photoshop skillz, there, girl! Plus, as others have said, the "you" on the left has nothing to feel bad about. Except maybe the boob tape - ouch indeed! ;-)
This is freaking brilliant. And ballsy. And twelve kinds of awesome. I'll be showing it to my nine-year-old daughters. Also? You're beautiful!
man, you are good at photoshop! v jelous.
great post.
we know, we've heard it before, but it helps to actually see it.....
I really need to learn the finer points of photoshop.
Although a big bouncy voluptuous set of hooters may be tempting, usually those desiring to alter their appearance are generally unhappy with more than just how they look. It's very sad really.
This was awesome. Can I send you all my pics before posting?
This is just... You are awesome. Totally awesome. I don't know how you did it, but I love that you showed what they do with these covers. Why can't people just be real? It would be so much easier.
hot gluing things to the vagina? oh no no no no!
move to alaska. you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone with botox, new boobies, or a bejewelled vagina here :)
Brava, Meredith! Brava! You just raised the bar for the rest of the Groenevelts.
xoxo
Can't they just invent a lasik surgery that only allows for people to see us in the photo shop version of us? Not interested in the vajazzling - I missed that boat... You did a lovely job with the photo shop, but I love the real you the best! xoxo
This is completely amazing.
I'm so proud of you for bucking up and showing the (cyber) world what "re-touched" ACTUALLY means.
Cudos!
Dinner With Kir
More people really need to see this post. I retweeted it.
Thank you. And packaging tape? Ouch.
Love the bikini BTW... where'd you get it?
Seriously, it's amazing what Photoshop can do. The women we see in mags are never real. It's so sad that we still want to look like them. Myself included.
I'd have cosmetic surgery just to look like your BEFORE picture. Also, BALLS!
Awesome. You. Are. Awesome.
And what? Long toenails are gross. That's a great start. You saw my post. NO TALONS.
this is badass and i'm so glad you did it.
also, i'd motorboat the hell out of the chick on the left.
she fine.