Bikini Wars: Me vs. Swimsuit Season

While I was waiting to checkout at the grocery store this morning, I had a chance to thumb through a few magazines and got caught up on current events like what Mariah Carey’s babies listened to when they were born. Have you heard? They listened to...wait for it...Mariah Carey songs. I assume they meant prerecorded Mariah songs, and not Mariah singing in stir-ups, since singing while giving birth seems HIGHLY unrealistic. I mean, those labor and delivery rooms couldn’t fit more than what...two...maybe three, back-up singers at a time, right?

Usually, when I go grocery shopping, I use the self-checkout lane. However, this morning was different, and because I had a cart-full of groceries I went through one of the checkout lanes with a human so, yeah, I got to hear all about how nice the weather has been. Nice? Why, because we’re not armpit deep in snow? Don’t make me celebrate 50 degrees, grocery store lady!

Annnyway...there were another two carts ahead of me in line this morning so I had time to flip through some magazines and thank goodness, because I’d almost forgotten swimsuit season is just around the corner. ALMOST. Do you hate your thighs more than global warming? Well, not to worry, because there are magazines ready to help you look the way you should...like her...

...because the magazines care. Ahem.

They have helpful articles loaded with original weight loss and fitness tips like stop eating, exercise more, and then eat even less, and exercise even more. Are you taking notes?

My groceries were bagged and paid for so I thanked the cashier and pushed my cart out into the parking lot. As I was loading my grocery bags into the car, I thought about the smooth tummies and perky butts in those magazines. If only I could just try a little harder, eat a little less, workout more, maybe I could look like I should. Then, I thought about the before and after photo I’d posted here when Kate Gosselin had appeared in a white bikini and an orange spray-tan on the cover of People Magazine.

It'd been a long time since I’d seen that photo of myself, and I thought maybe it was time I had another look. Maybe I needed to remind myself just how those magazines 'help' the models look the way they should.

Maybe you’ve seen my before and after photo already, maybe you haven’t. Either way, I’m making you look at it again because maybe, like me, you need to be reminded that this is really how magazines help you look the way you should.

click above image for larger view

Here's what I did:

1. Butt: I contoured and slimmed my tushy and smoothed out my thigh skin.
2. Gut: It’s like I never had three babies!
3. Back fat: Now removed. That was easier than I thought!
4. Upper arm: I slimmed my arm too. I also removed my tattoo. My dad would love to see my arm without the tattoo, however, he’d probably want to scoop his eyes out with spoons if he ever saw this photo.
5. BOOBS! Yeah, I got em! [Pro-tip here: My boobs aren’t as perky as the ‘before’ photo in real life. Just to get them north of my bikini-top band, I taped them up with packaging tape. I KID YOU NOT. Ouch.]
6. Face: I slimmed my cheeks, and jaw line, and got rid of my neck rolls.
7. Hair: I smoothed and lightened my hair.
8. Skin: I lightened, contoured and smoothed my skin where it was “needed.” [Check out my younger hand on my hip.]
9. Teeth: Also, teeth whitening.

 Read the original post 'Bikini Wars: Kate Gosselin VS Me' here.