So I’m feeling fat, and I’m pretty sure the shoes I’m wearing make my butt look big. I usually don’t mention when I have The Fat Feeling since it makes me sound like I swallowed Kim Kardashian and burped up her vanity, however, I’m pretty consumed by The Fat Feeling right now. It's not that I'm o.k. with giving up so much of my brain’s real estate to The Fat Feeling, but The Fat Feeling hired an aggressive real estate agent behind on her car payments...and...well...there was some paperwork and...The Fat Feeling moved in.
For the past couple of days, my thought flow has gone something like this: I’m fat. I have to empty the dishwasher. I’m fat. What about Obama’s health care reform? I’m fat. Weeds is on! I’m fat...and so on and so on. It’s like a skip in a record. Oh right, I was born in the seventies. Ahem, it’s like when your iPod shuffles the Macarena every other song.
The Fat Feeling has come in and out of my life like adult acne. It lays dormant until life stressors [or jeans fresh out of the dryer] cause The Fat Feeling to get all festered and flare up. I’m convinced you can see the large pimple on my nose and my big butt from space. Just in: scientists have discovered a new hole in the ozone layer, and HOLY CRAP did you see that booty!?
Sometimes I feel fat because my pants are fitting tighter, and sometimes the thoughts are just unreasonable. Body image issues are complicated, at least mine are, but whose aren’t? My issues are a hot mess of distortions, insecurities, magazine covers, and a pool of neurosis. Oh, there’s some therapist out there with a brand new notepad who’d love to wade through my crazy!
You guys, I know I’m not fat, but that’s not the point. Body image isn’t so much about the body, but the person who lives in that body. Plus, even if I were fat, it would be my fat and if anyone were to have a problem with that they could go shove a Gatorade bottle up their well toned ass. Anyhow, I have The Fat Feeling bad, so it’s time to begin limiting and restricting...my thoughts.
Thought Diet:
- No inner-thigh consideration. They may or may not be touching more than before, but thinking about my rubbing thighs can be distracting during parent/teacher conferences.
- No grabbing my muffin top. It’s what makes me look like a woman, and besides it keeps my pants from falling down.
- No holding out my arms and flapping the saggy skin in the mirror. Why? Because I look like an asshole when I do that.
- No berating myself for skipping the gym. Exercise is good for me, but so is a little self compassion. Plus, I signed a year contract at that place so one way, or another, I’ll drag my ass back there.
- It’s o.k. if my weight fluctuates. I WON’T DIE. I may need to use a different belt hole, but it’s a cross I’ll bear. It’s not like I have to carry a bucket of dirty drinking water on top of my head back to the refugee camp. It’s just a belt hole and giving it this much thought is kind of douchey. You know what’s double douchey? Wondering how many calories I would burn walking miles with a bucket of water on my head.
- What if I could step out of my own body and look at myself through the eyes of a mother? If my daughters grow-up and take on my body shape and its characteristics, would I find them as unappealing as I feel?
So. I’m not even going to wait until Monday to start this diet. I’m starting RIGHT NOW. Unlike a “regular” diet, I won’t force myself to do extra sit-ups if I slip up and eat a Twinkie, however, if I start thinking, I’m fat, I'll make myself do the Macarena.
Heeeeey, MACARENA!
Comments
I get this. I'm also eating a donut right now. Ok, fine. I really just ate two munchkins too. I'm not sure why they haven't started making "muffin jeans" They would have a little extra pouch around the waistband to "collect and safely hold" all that extra donut skin. You know I"m in denial when I call it extra skin right? Wait, is that a chocolate long john in the box?
We had muffin jeans better known as mom jeans, but twe all bitched and moaned about waistbands up to our boobs so they made low rise jeans and now every mom in my kid's kindergarten class, who's seen me putting my kid's shoes on, has seen my butt crack.
you rock my face right the hell off.
That's good, right?
very good. who needs a face when i can type?
Been there, done that! We've all been here at some point in our life some longer than others. In fact I had lost over 50 lbs and then my mother died and I gained it back. I blamed so much on her and her death. I was depressed obviously, my mother died too suddenly at 58 and I had just turned 30. I started taking an anti-depressant and I'll never go back. I tried going off it and that was oh so wrong. Now I take my happy pill everyday and realized I like me, sure who doesn't need to lose a few but I like the person I am. In fact I can thank my mother for who I am today. How are we going to be positive role models for our girls if we are so negative about ourselves. If they hear us ripping ourselves apart then they begin to do the same with themselves. There is enough drama with all the "stars" out there and what they are eating or not eating that attracts our young girls. Hell even young boys are falling prey to what is the latest trend. Start listing all your positive attributes and digging within because its there and eventually that demon will get so pissed at all your happy thoughts he'll leave and invade someone else.
Be Strong and love who you are!
Megan
http://1funkywoman.blogspot.com
It is about being happy. I don't want to look back at my life and think, yeah all the worrying about my body, well that time was well frittered!
This is a conversation I have in my head on a weekly basis. My view of the woman's body is so utterly distorted, and I have a 7 yo daughter that I pray doesn't do the same thing. When I sit down and feel my rolls over my pants I ALWAYS have to raise my shirt to see them... like maybe they'll be smaller (or larger) than last time.
Was your outward appearance an issue growing up? As a kid what I looked like was very important so I grew up thinking that's all I had to offer. Pretty sucky. So when I tell my daughter she looks beautiful I also point out how smart & funny she is.
I think a lot of people have the same dialog running through their heads, which is why I'm proposing we add new talking points! It's something I'm going to really try and focus on myself.
Have you read this?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1324587/Marie-Claire-blogger-Mau...
I'm familiar with the whole Marie Claire article. I purposely did not link to that article because I didn't want to send traffic their way, which in turn translates into advertising dollars for them.
Speaking of body image issues...that blogger has them. I feel for anyone who struggles with body image issues [also anorexia, bulimia, over-eating etc.] however she crossed a line when she transferred her own body image issues onto other. The fact that Marie Claire is standing behind the article is appalling.
Oh that is what the muffin top is for! I wondered why it just keeps hanging around.
Yeah, our bodies are awesome! Built in belt:)
I can 100% relate to this post. I am not fat so says everyone but I feel fat. I've always had this really bad body image issue ever since I can remember. It sucks. Since starting to take antidepressants for my postpartum anxiety, the weight is packing on me like no tomorrow and it's drivng me more insane....if that is even possible. I can also blame my lunch choice today of warm apple pie and ice cream and whip cream.
Frack.
It is really frustrating.
I do agree that changing your attitude about it makes the world of a difference. I think that I may have to join you on this crusade.
You deserve apple pie for lunch! You're a person, why shouldn't you get to enjoy a slice of pie like everyone else? Pie for lunch! Good for you!
It sounds exactly like anxiety triggers I just identified last year. More than 15 years ago, I dated a sociopath who was the world's most gifted and extensive liar and because of that experience, my body drowns in anxiety at the mere mention of philanderers. I finally realized it last year when the Tiger Woods bullshit exploded. Now, I turn away from headlines, turn channels, stick my fingers in my ears and sing LA LA LA LA LA when the subject comes up. It doesn't matter if I tell you you're not fat (because, holy god, meredith, you're not AND you're gorgeous) or you tell me my husband doesn't cheat -- when you're swamped with anxiety, those false notions are FACT. Am I right? Here's hoping you pull out of The Fat Feeling soon.
Yeah Dana, I think anxiety is a huge component. Like I said, it's not about my body [or your faithful husband]. And maybe I'll try LALALA instead of the Macarena!
I have a pimple on my chin for about three weeks now. I shit you not. That has caused me to have a swollen gland under my chin making me look like I have a waddle. Also I am all in a tizzy about this new hair cut that I thought was very Bieber but as it turns out it's more Carol Brady. And the last thing I want is for anyone to tell me how cute I am.
So you have your fat feeling and I will have my uglies inside. And we can live happily ever after.
I love your perspective.
Yes, mind over pimples and insecurities!
so relate to all those feelings.... how much mental time is wasted on the Fat Obsession? how much money do women spend every year in cosmetics, and spanks and other creams and gyms to fight it?
my biggest goal right now is: don't pass on the Fat Obsession to my kids. So I really have to watch what I say, what I do, and hopefully that will also impact how I feel.
I just get in a habit of absent mindedly repeating negative thoughts in my head. But, ugh, is it hard reprogramming yourself!