On my mental to-do list is, ‘Write a Life-List.’ Lots of you may already have one, and for your sakes, I hope you’ve been regularly crossing off accomplishments and adding new items, because Oprah knows when you’ve been naughty or living YOUR. BEST. LIFE!
Oh wait, she already did her Christmas giveaway show so who gives a shit. Mediocrity, you may carry on!
I haven’t gotten around to penning a life-list probably because it would read like the inside of Kim Kardashian’s day planner. Languish all day in bed with a bag of Doritos, drink a bottle of champagne in a warm bath, and fill a Latisse prescription. Unless there’s an inspirational quote at the bottom of that chip bag, I doubt I’ll find pruning away drunk in a bathtub with Dorito dust around my mouth, wearing fringe on my eyelids all that life enriching.
Most life-lists consist of entries like run a marathon, ride a camel in the desert and skydive, which are exactly the kinds of things I hope to avoid in this lifetime. There, I said. No you won’t find me swinging from zip-lines or chanting on mountain-tops so given my lack of interest in self-growth I’ve compiled: ‘A Life-List of Stuff I Hope Never Happens to Me Before I Die.’
- Get a Brazilian bikini wax.
- Get a bikini wax.
- Serve on the school PTA.
- Climb anything.
- Hear the word nipple pass over my father’s lips.
- Drive cross country with a dog in the back seat.
- Be disimpacted.
- Deer hunt.
- Attend a Keith Urban concert.
- Lose a toe nail.
- Safari anywhere.
- Learn how to change my oil.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- Eat under cooked pork and grow a parasite in my brain.
- Camp.
- Go barefoot in a public bathroom stall. [A story for another day.]
- Break my tailbone.
- Experience natural childbirth.
- Visit a men’s prison.
- Watch Twilight.
- Learn to juggle.
- Knock-out my front teeth.
- Get a tattoo.
- Go bird watching.
- Read Chicken Soup for the Soul.
- Do anything in Bali.
- Get stuck with the douche-bag, on-call doctor when I go into labor.
- Eat swan.
- Run. With anything. Anywhere.
- Own a lifesized ceramic poodle.
click below image for larger view
So that’s it! That’s what I hope to leave this earth without doing, having, experiencing! Do you have a life-list? Do you have a link to your life-list? Well then, lets over share together and leave the link to your life-list in the comments below!
No seriously. I’d like to know. In fact, just to get things started, I’m linking to Dana’s Life List. When you’re over there check-out number five and fifteen on her list. Number five makes me weepy, and number fifteen: “Watch Kent [her husband] complete an Ironman” makes me grin, because watching an Ironman would be number one on my life-list...if I had one...which I don’t...as I’ve mentioned...try to keep up.
Comments
Ok so I've been to a men's prison. You know, college I thought I'd be all smart and go to law school and shit? Well they thought they'd take us on field trips (how this related I'm not sure). So we went to a low security penn and wow. It was like day camp. We also went to the Border Patrol detention unit? Scary shit.
So were you with Britney and her cheetos when you went barefoot in the bathroom?
No, a public pool. Why my kid can't just pee in the pool like every other kid I...DON'T...KNOW! Probably because she wants me to get some kind of foot fungus. She can be like that.
Um, yeah, my father told me that True Blood was his new favorite tv show...he loves it...thinks its the best and highly recommends it. So, I watch it. And then I almost die to think that my father loooooooves this show. Its kind of like your #5, only it would be crossed out. Ugh.
HAHA! He recommended it to you?! This might be a good time to think about dying of embarrassment.
Yes. I could never bring myself to tell him that I had watched it...because then he would talk about it some more...and that would not be ok.
I love this post! And with the exception of Bali- went there on my honeymoon BEFORE the book and the movie, I would say we are right in line. Although I have had the pleasure of losing a toenail. Wonderful time, You should try it.
Now I'm going to be thinking about my own life list...
I'm sure Bali is a lovely place, especially on a honeymoon. But yes, now it's a soul-searching destination and OH MY GOD...I. got. it...You want to raise your level of consciousness and chant on a mountain top while I, on the other hand, want to drink tequila on the beach until my shoulders blister!
Also, what do you do without a toe nail? Wait, no don't tell me!
i seriously have no idea what i'd put on a life list. isn't that lame? i'm a lame person.
but speaking of #5 and your dad saying the word nipple. i'd have a list like yours but it would say "not hear my father talk about pumpkin seeds being an aphrodisiac" but mine would be crossed out, because for reasons i'll have to discuss with my therapist. i heard this.
and #12- i refuse to ever learn how to change my oil, CHECK my oil or change a tire. my theory? i have 4 brothers, 1 father, a grandfather, a husband, a son, and 5 brother in laws why would i ever have to know? and besides if any of the above weren't around then thats why God blessed me with great legs and a huge rack.
Oh my lawd that pumpkin thing cracked me up!
You got me thinking .... not an easy thing to do. Here's a couple I would put on my list.
1) Have my batteries die just when I needed them most.
F) Stick a needle in my eye.
Orange) Get my period while wearing white pants. Wait. I'm menopausal.
37) Be humped by a dog in front of a crowd. If no one's there I can kick the dog, but in front of a crowd, well, that would just be awkward.
P.S. Did #22 or it would be on my list too.
Where "Be humped by a dog in front of a crowd" came from...? And yes, kicking a dog in front of a crowd would be the awkward part!
It happened when I was a kid, in front of my brother & his friends. Bleach can't even erase that from my memory!! So in actual fact it should come off my list, because ya, it's be done. This also most likely the only time I will ever mention humping in a bad way ;)
I LOVE YOUR LIST! I've crossed off #13 and #17 for you on my behalf. You're welcome. Not sure which was worse. #17 happened during labor but #13 happened while I wasn't on drugs, unless you consider eight Michelob Ultra Lights drugs. I don't.
Dana's list is outstanding. I can't even fathom THINKING of that many things to do, let alone WANTING to do them. And, like many other commenters, she will be added to my favorites, even though I've stalked her through other comments! :) But after spending a good hour at work today reading her latest entries, I'm even more hooked! But not more hooked on her than you, Meredith, have no fear!
Here is my life list:
Get the shit done that I want to get done.
I may work more on my list later, when I get all that shit done.
You smoked Ultra Lights when you were in Girl Scots? You're badass! :)
As badass as I want to be, no...I didn't smoke when I was in Girl Scouts. I DID, recently, drink MICHELOB ULTRA (should have left off the "light") while driving in my neighborhood while my daughter sold cookies in freezing weather. That's badass, isn't it?
Why did #14 make me laugh? I got problems. Or you got problems? Oh well, WHAT a list to aspire too. Or not aspire too? I'm so confused! ; )
I'm heading a movement towards mediocrity! Come join me!
Is there a "Chicken Soup for the Blogger's Soul," full of heartwrenching stories of lost posts and Mean Anonymous Commenters? If not, I'm totally writing it under a pseudonym, plastering the cover with inspirational quotes, and selling it to every sucker who walks in the door at BlogHer.
Oh. But this post was about you. Allow me to say I agree wholeheartedly with almost every item on it. I may have seen "Twilight," but I never RAN to see it. (Hear you get all out of breath and stuff. I mean, who does that?)
You crack me up, YOU.
I think that somewhere on this list there needs to be a "Never get stuck in an elevator with Justin Beiber" cause you know he'd totally sing the shit out of your ears in his whiney prepubescent voice and flip his hair in your face a bazillion times. Gah, I can't believe he's Canadian. America, We the Canadian people are sorry.
Yup, this comment just went off in it's own direction.
My 12 yo has two posters of him in her bedroom; I appreciate you, as a Canadian, taking some responsibility for all this ugly!
It's really too bad. I WAS going to marinate some swan up, drive it to Wisconsin and fork feed it to you. Snicker. I'm just going to copy/paste this list into my xmas cards ok?
PROMISES, PROMISES!
Camping gives me hives and makes me really wish I had Xanax. I'm forced to do it every summer and I always 'accidentally' drink myself into unconciousness to make it through.
I can't even imagine a rough morning in the communal bathrooms after a night of camping-drinking. I can only hope camping drinking doesn't consist of warm Old Milwaukee and peach schnapps.
Oh, it does consist of that sort of beverage, if you will, Meredith. You must try it.
As for the communal bathrooms...it's not unlike college. You wear flip flops and underwear to shower, that's all. That sounds fun, right?
So, while reading this I got a little sidetracked and was thinking it was your life TO DO list, so when I got to #5 I was like "what the heck?! why would she want to experience that!". And then I chuckled to myself remembering what the list is all about.
I've done several of those on your list, some I hated, others I enjoyed. I don't have a life list because at this point in my life I'm lucky if I get my Christmas shopping done on time. A life list would be too daunting of a task.
I wonder how many people are going to get mixed up and think this IS my life list. They'll get to number 5 and go..."I always new she was one sick kitten!"
Yeah, so far no one's linked to a life list. What an aimless bunch we are!
I am Aimless, nice to meet you. ;o)
Don't have a blog... hence the reason I posted a half assed what not to do list on yours....
Plus, I just like talking to you....
:)
Yeah, you definitely DON'T want to go to a men's prison. Been there. Done that.
(also, thanks for the shout out. you know i think you're five shades of awesome.)
You've been to a men's prison? Holding out on us Dana! POST, POST, POST!
I went to interview one of three guys who shot - and paralyzed - a cop. It wasn't a menacing place, just ridiculously sad. On the other hand, I also toured the state mental hospital where they house the criminally insane and that place was both menacing AND sad.
and i echo meredith... POST POST POST!
I HATE that I can actually claim #2... and will NEVER do it again.....
Isn't #12 what Jiffy Lube is for?
13. USED to wear the girl scout uniform, therefore sell the cookies. NOW all I'll do is buy em and get fat. Call it a life lesson.
#18... I heart my anesthesiologist.....
#21... actually TOOK a circus arts course in college... learned how to juggle, and there's a picture somewhere of me on the trapeze, high wire, and a whole host of other things....
#22 - front teeth - head vs steel car? car won. GONE.. thank god for cosmetic dentistry...
Things on my never list:
1 skydiving no matter how much of a rush anybody claims it is.
2. go skiing ... well I might stay in the lodge and drink hot chocolate....
3. I totally agree with the whole Twilight thing....
4. Not eat sushi.
5. Go swimming in water less than 80 degrees... I am not a polar bear.
6. Cut my hair short ever again,,,, that includes bangs.
There are more, but there are also stupid holiday gifts to wrap.... happy first night of Chanukah!
Ugh, you really knocked out your front teeth!? That one could actually double up on my FRICKIN NIGHTMARE LIST!
And a happy first night of Chanukah to you!
Yep, I really did.... Noreaster when I was almost 17.... snowball fight, slipped on ice, face hit car. Car won. The best part? This happened at about 10pm on a Saturday night. Calling my father in another state (and who's insurance I was covered under) and finding a dentist who would open on a sunday? THAT was fun.
PS as you can see... gifts? still not wrapped. nothing like a bit of procrastination
hehehe... not sure what it means that i have knocked quite a few off your list for ya... but it makes me giggle maniacally.
also, i'm learning that i adore dana.
also also, that ceramic poodle will be in my nightmares to come.
Well yeah, sometimes in spite of my best intentions I hit one of these on my life-list!