On my mental to-do list is, ‘Write a Life-List.’ Lots of you may already have one, and for your sakes, I hope you’ve been regularly crossing off accomplishments and adding new items, because Oprah knows when you’ve been naughty or living YOUR. BEST. LIFE!
Oh wait, she already did her Christmas giveaway show so who gives a shit. Mediocrity, you may carry on!
I haven’t gotten around to penning a life-list probably because it would read like the inside of Kim Kardashian’s day planner. Languish all day in bed with a bag of Doritos, drink a bottle of champagne in a warm bath, and fill a Latisse prescription. Unless there’s an inspirational quote at the bottom of that chip bag, I doubt I’ll find pruning away drunk in a bathtub with Dorito dust around my mouth, wearing fringe on my eyelids all that life enriching.
Most life-lists consist of entries like run a marathon, ride a camel in the desert and skydive, which are exactly the kinds of things I hope to avoid in this lifetime. There, I said. No you won’t find me swinging from zip-lines or chanting on mountain-tops so given my lack of interest in self-growth I’ve compiled: ‘A Life-List of Stuff I Hope Never Happens to Me Before I Die.’
- Get a Brazilian bikini wax.
- Get a bikini wax.
- Serve on the school PTA.
- Climb anything.
- Hear the word nipple pass over my father’s lips.
- Drive cross country with a dog in the back seat.
- Be disimpacted.
- Deer hunt.
- Attend a Keith Urban concert.
- Lose a toe nail.
- Safari anywhere.
- Learn how to change my oil.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- Eat under cooked pork and grow a parasite in my brain.
- Go barefoot in a public bathroom stall. [A story for another day.]
- Break my tailbone.
- Experience natural childbirth.
- Visit a men’s prison.
- Watch Twilight.
- Learn to juggle.
- Knock-out my front teeth.
- Get a tattoo.
- Go bird watching.
- Read Chicken Soup for the Soul.
- Do anything in Bali.
- Get stuck with the douche-bag, on-call doctor when I go into labor.
- Eat swan.
- Run. With anything. Anywhere.
- Own a lifesized ceramic poodle.
So that’s it! That’s what I hope to leave this earth without doing, having, experiencing! Do you have a life-list? Do you have a link to your life-list? Well then, lets over share together and leave the link to your life-list in the comments below!
No seriously. I’d like to know. In fact, just to get things started, I’m linking to Dana’s Life List. When you’re over there check-out number five and fifteen on her list. Number five makes me weepy, and number fifteen: “Watch Kent [her husband] complete an Ironman” makes me grin, because watching an Ironman would be number one on my life-list...if I had one...which I don’t...as I’ve mentioned...try to keep up.