The photo shoot behind December's masthead. Brought to you by high-fructose corn-syrup and an ass.

Well, it's that special time of year again when I dangle my children by their ankles and ply them with promises of high-fructose corn-syrup treats to pose for the camera. It doesn't take much coaxing, though, since they're processed-food-sugar-junkies. Admittedly, I am their enabler.

Anyway! It's December! So a new masthead! And, like I said a few months ago, I'm going to post the raw images before making sweet love to those pixels! Behold, my fancy photography studio...

I wanted to do a variation of last December's banner since this will probably be the final year of kid dangling. [So says Ben's back.] Originally, I'd wanted to photograph the girls sitting on chairs while eating candy canes. The idea was to superimpose them onto life-sized candy canes as though they were sitting on chair lifts.

That whole idea became too complicated, so one night last week I gave the girls candy canes and asked Ben to grab them by the ankles. I involved the candy canes since they were part of my original idea and because they're candy canes. I said I'd NEVER give MY children candy; that was before I had children. But after twelve years, I've lost my parental fortitude. I can only hope they don't over-power me in a sugar rage at some point. My frail mother's body and broken parental spirit are the only things standing between them and my make-up and high-heels. My closet should brace itself for a mutiny led by two sticky-fingered preschoolers reeking of spoiled chocolate milk and holding headless Barbies.

To get things started we tried a couple of test shots and determined we didn't know what we were doing. [On the left; that's where all the magic happens...right under the broken air conditioner. And yes, that really is my desk chair. Also, these shots were taken in our bedroom and you'll note the edge of a blue and green pool raft, obviously.]

Then Whitney started panicking. Worried that Ben might drop her, she wouldn't let go of his shirt.

So we took a little break and made funny faces.

Then Whitney pulled Ben aside and told him that if he dropped her, she'd mess with his shit.

He reassured her he wouldn't drop her so there'd be no cause to mess with anyone's shit. Then we got the shot I used on the left side of the banner.

The other three shots of Heidi came next.

I really tried, but I just couldn't work this one into the masthead's composition. Now Ben's butt feels left out. Photo shoots are a pain in the ass.

The End [ba-dum-cha]!