I was bullied and run out of school when I was 11 years old. It was horrible. So horrible that I’ve made a conscientious effort to stuff my feelings good and down ever since. Then the recent stories about kids and online/offline bullying and the tragic consequences began running rampant through the media, and all those suppressed feelings resurfaced. That’s just great. Twenty-five, perfectly good years of denying my feelings, and now here they are like an unexpected visit from Mom to your dorm-room with Boyfriend hiding in the closet. JUST PERFECT!
My bully, we’ll call her Lauren(1), was a smart, charming, little girl. The teachers and kids adored her alike, and decidedly ignored her cruel acts. Even Lauren’s parents acknowledged she could be a very, “manipulative and charismatic child.” They said it with a shrug like...What-dia gunna do?...which is a little like Jim Jones’ parents saying, "Jimmy likes his Kool-Aid. What-dia gunna do?"
I don’t know whatever became of Lauren. She’s probably somewhere working as an insurance adjuster, spending her days gleefully denying old widows their dead husbands’ life insurance payouts. And then, in her free time, she enjoys twisting puppies’ ears till they yip.
...I chose not to join in on the bullying, which turned out to be a serious elementary school transgression.
Anyway, it all started with the fat girl in our class. The fat girl was taunted, ridiculed, and abused beyond mercy. I chose not to join in on the bullying, which turned out to be a serious elementary school transgression. You’d have thought I’d rubbed Lauren’s Hello Kitty eraser down to a nub!
And so it went.
By the time the bullying was in full swing, Lauren and her sociopath minions had concocted a vile lie about my family and then strapped that rumor onto a unstoppable, runaway train. I’m not going to share their lie with you. I’m not going to breathe life back into that cancerous story. Besides, it’s their baggage, not mine. Now they’re the ones lugging that sack of cold sores around; it’s their puss-filled beast.
...they’re the ones lugging that sack of cold sores around; it’s their puss-filled beast.
I can tell you from my own experience bullying is NOT teasing. Bullying is calculated, relentless, and ruthless. Bullying is intended to dehumanize its victim, and once that happens, bullies and their minions will torment with little remorse. And now, their reach extends beyond the playground and right into the Cyberworld where they can virtually bully. It’s serious shit.
Bullies aren’t “thoughtless” kids who “don’t know any better.” They’re abusers by definition, and cluster together like a pack of wild dogs. If you ever need to defend yourself against a pack of bullies, just remember, they respond best to raw meat and tranquilizer darts.
Back to Lauren and her pig-tailed sociopaths. In my case, the school refused to get involved. So as a last ditch effort, my parents consulted an attorney. Turned out, the school could legally sit on its butt and wash their hands of any responsibility, even if the harassment was taking place on school grounds(2). Without support from the school, the bullying wildly escalated, the lie was told and retold, and l left the school.
Switching schools was the only way to resolve what was an increasingly ugly situation. I just wish I had pinched Lauren’s Hello Kitty pencils on the way out. You know, really stick it to her!
What will I do if my kid gets bullied? Here’s what:
- Listen to them. They need my help. Adults MUST step in and gain control over the situation. I wouldn’t accept a teacher verbally abusing my child, and I won’t accept it from their classmates either.
- Keep notes. Sooner or later teachers and parents could become involved, and they may shrug it off as “kids will be kids.” I’d need supporting evidence with dates and names to back-up my complaint.
- Speaking of parents...parents don’t always believe their kids are bullies. I know, weird huh? Contacting them may, or may not, yield desirable results. I’d prepare myself sooner than later to go to the school with the problem.
- I’d hold my kid near and tell them they’re not alone in this. If it would get exceptionally bad, I’d give them a day off to regroup and heal before having to face their lynch mob again.
Am I missing anything?
(1)Her name wasn't really Lauren. Duh. (2)I do not practice law. I am clueless in regards to current legislation. If you’ve considered contacting an attorney to assist in your situation by all means PLEASE DO!
Comments
It is serious shit. I was bullied so bad in jr high thy my mom had to pull me out and transfer me only a month before the school year was over. I would sneak out the back door where my mom would be waiting to pick me up. It damaged me to the point where I STILL, 20 years or so later, have paranoid thought about my friends turning against me. It's a scary thing because nowadays there is the internet. They can torment in ways we could have never imagined. When lily is older I will probably be breaking into her email accounts daily (secretly) just to keep an eye on things. I pray none of our girls ever go through it.
What a great post and great advice. Which I hope I never have to use, but already something I think about because I can see it already starting in my oldest's kindergarten class. Not that they're bullying, but there's meanness and no parents seem concerned about it.
This is the 2nd post about this topic I've seen in less than 24 hours.
I was teased and bullied as a kid. Recently I've takes some heat online over some blogs I've written. Everyone has haters right? That's what I keep telling myself, but recently It's getting very personal and although my name is never mentioned I know who these people are talking about and to.
I'm starting to realize I'm being bullied. Some would say I brought it on myself. Whatever.. even if I did it doesn't make it okay for anyone to malign me publicly...even if they aren't using my name. I'm not a victim and I'll be damned if I'll let them run me off!
A big thank you to you and others that have written things like this. Online bullying is just as harmful as live and in person.
Wookiesgirl
Great post!!!! xoxoxo
The parents of the bullies as well as teachers should also be aware of the fact that even if there is no physical evidence, the taunted child obviously feels threatened- so threatened, if fact, that he or she reached out to an adult, which can be embarrassing.
Lurker here. I was bullied in middle school myself and I will never be the same person. I remember reading Margaret Atwood's "Cat's Eye" in college and it hit home, hard. Some people think Margaret Atwood is a feminist, and she is, but in the good way. She has no problems talking about how cruel little girls can be to one another. Check it out.
Thanks for the recommendation.
My parents had to do the exact same thing for my sister who was bullied on a daily basis, especially when I started highschool and wasn't there to kick their asses. They resorted to seeking an attorney and let me tell you...they were all as sweet as pie afterwards.
So sad. Kids are mean...that's why it is so IMPORTANT to teach our children to be respectfull of differences, of each other and to not stand for bullying.
Bullies can be evil! Truly, truly evil! You offer some excellent points for parents who have children being traumatized by bullying. Awesome post!
you're a fantastic mom.
Thank you for sharing this. Something similar happened to me. I was bullied in the 7th grade and eventually changed schools to make it end. But it never really did. Oh, the actually bullying stopped, and when I ended up at the same high school as those girls they left me alone. But 33 years later it still impacts my relationships, my comfort level in social situations, my reactions to things that happen (or don't) to my 13 year old daughter at school.
As far as parents? The majority of bullies and/or mean girls I've encountered as a parent, once I meet those girls' parents? It totally makes sense to me how those mean girls came to be.
Our experience does sound similar. I also have a almost 13 year old daughter, and I'm just holding my breath. So far, so good.
And yeah the parents, lots of truth to what you said.
Yuk! It's hateful, abhorrent stuff. I'm sorry you had to suffer (and still do).
Lately, Desmond has been telling me about boys in his class taunting him on the playground. And older boys in a separate class "picking on" him. He's a little on the strange side (you know, a mother can say that) so I think he's going to be a prime target. He seems to understand the coping methods I've counseled so far: 1) ask his tormentors kindly to stop and if that fails 2) walk away and if that fails 3) tell a teacher or parent. So far, he hasn't had to move beyond #2. I realize what he's experiencing is likely teasing and not bullying... but I think those steps work in both instances. Do you?
If you have other suggestions, let me know.
Does Desmond seemed bothered? I think any consistent "teasing" [even if it hasn't reached any kind of fever pitch] should be addressed if it's making it hard for a kid to go to school. But it's so situational. So yeah, I think I'd probably follow those steps myself, if one of my kids was getting routinely picked on. Geez, with 4 kids you're bound to experience almost every kid drama! Good luck!
I think that is an excellent plan. My daughter is only in pre-k at school now, and it kills me to even begin to think of the things that could happen at school.